i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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