Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
