he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Someone signed my nipple.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
