i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
