he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Your penis caused this!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
