if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
