Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
God, I missed his penis.
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