I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
