john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Can I color on your dick again?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
