I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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