be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I didn't notice because vodka
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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