he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize