About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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