he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
