Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
