I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
