Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want to be your penis for a week.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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