what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
