Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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