Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
