I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
