i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
