On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
