I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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