Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
