My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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