yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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