if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
