sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize