Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
