just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
