Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
