She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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