I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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