It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
