im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
