I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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