I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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