every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
