he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Less talking, more tequila
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
