I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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