She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
