I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize