I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
