I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
