Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
