Plan B is the new Plan A
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
