I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize