went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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