I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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