I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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