hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
