11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
