trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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