this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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