She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
