Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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