I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
