i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
