Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
