roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
