Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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