I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
