Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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