please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize