there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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